Psychic and Emotional Starvation

Two Questions

2008-12-04T13:12:00.003-05:00

To all the Talibangelicals out there that love to talk about how us homogaysexuals are ruining the sanctity of marriage and that the Bible tells them so, I have two questions.

1) Are you completely and one-hundred percent fluent in Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek, Latin, French, German and English. Because when you spout off about Leviticus and whatnot, that's roughly the translation route that you have to go through to get from the Original Hebrew to your King James version.

2) Can you honestly speak with a straight face and proclaim that you are speaking for your G-d, or even presume to know what the Almighty thinks and believes? Because if you do, you're essentially equating yourself to G-d and that my friends, I find sacrilegious.

Essentially, I don't care what you think about the Bible and Leviticus and what you think that G-d intended to say. So until you can satisfy me by answering these questions, Screw You.

Today is World AIDS Day Too

2008-12-02T09:09:00.002-05:00

Today marks the day after twentieth anniversary of the first announcement of what is annually commorated as World AIDS Day. I deliberately didn't post anything yesterday because I have a lot to say about AIDS. Having worked a substantial portion of my career in this field, I have a lot to say on the subject, sometimes not always nice. I’ve been contemplating over the past week or so some format of how to articulate everything that I want to say about this issue, but it’s honestly just too much, so this post from here on is a random sampling.

It bothers me how much people still don’t know about HIV and AIDS, and yes the really are two different things. HIV, or human immunodeficiency virus, is the literal virus that causes AIDS or Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome. AIDS is a syndrome or a collection of symptoms that are related, in and of itself it’s not a disease. It causes me great pain when reporters and others talk about the HIV virus (its redundant—human immunodeficiency virus virus) or the AIDS virus. Here we are 25 years later and common little mistakes bother me.

It bothers me that gay men are so complacent about HIV these days and that barebacking is accepted as a norm without much challenge. It bothers me even more that many people, me included, often turn a blind eye to crystal meth use and its impact on the spread of this disease. It bothers me that some gay men are too selfish to not to wear a condom or ask a simple question. I guess ignorance can be bliss. But as much of a pain in the ass it is, I like to know my status and get tested every six months.

I remember having a conversation with a fresh faced, newly out gay a few years back that involved me attempting to give him a condom when it became very apparent that he and a good friend of mine were going to hook up. He basically asked me if my friend was HIV positive and I responded that I have no idea, but he should be prepared. Long and short this poor kid who’s never buried someone responded, “Its ok, you just take a few pills, besides he doesn't look sick.” I, in term, had a meltdown. Sure, you can take a few pills, many a day for the rest of your life. These pills are fun and cause temperature spiking, violent diarrhea, stomach cramps, body fat distribution and a whole host of other complications. But that seems to be a standard gay response; I’ll just take a few pills and be ok. I still get a little miffed when I hear of a twenty-something who is positive, dude you grew up with this shit, it's not like you don't know anything.

It scares me to think that countries around the world are repeating the same mistakes that the US made early in the epidemic. Here AIDS was once associated with the 4-H club, no not the school aged group, but Homosexuals, Heroine Users, Hemophiliacs and Haitians. No one else was affected and therefore was free to ignore the issue. These patterns are being repeated around the world in sub-Saharan Africa, in India and China and Russia without any regard to the countless number of lives that are being lost.

I hate the fact that women have no effective prevention methods that don’t involve condom negotiation. Women, especially in developing countries have to negotiate, often with their own husbands and in unequal power relationships to protect themselves. Violence and rape often occur when a woman breaches the subject of condoms. The world rapidly needs a viable microbicide.

I once gave a quote at the 14th International Conference on AIDS in Barcelona that still haunts me, but I actually think it may be proving true…"There is the whole notion that AIDS is over in the United States, that it's not a problem any more. Prevention messages are not working. We do have gay men barebacking. We have risk groups sharing needles again. We've got heterosexuals that have no idea what's going on. We have a whole generation of people under the age of 30 that don't remember the AIDS epidemic, that think it's nothing more than, 'Hell, you take a couple of pills and you'll be fine. Things are going to have to get worse again before they'll ever get better, Resistant HIV, an explosion of HIV, something may go wrong with the medications, we’re nowhere near over."

So here we are, twenty-seven years into the epidemic and what have we learned. This little beastie isn’t going anywhere. Bill Clinton works on the issue almost full time at his Foundation; President Bush’s Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief may actually be the high point of his Presidency. The governments of the world are finally paying attention; it’s just that the rest of us are not. I’m not sure what’s worse, the early days when the New York Times ran six stories of AIDS and 54 stories about deaths from contaminated Tylenol in a year or now, when we just turn our heads and look the other way except on World AIDS Day, but it scares me so very, very much. So Happy World AIDS Day, part redux, I hope that we can somehow, somewhere make a difference.

A New Year

2008-10-28T09:05:00.003-04:00

I haven't had much to say of late, largely because the elections have had me working overtime. That being said it's my annual ritual of noting that I'm officially one-half through my expected lifetime. Yeah it's the big day.

It's another big day here in DC!

Yup, it always coincides near my birthday, the DC Drag Races. For those of you not familiar, a bunch of DC gays, and a few straight boys don drag and have a foot race down 17th street, also referred to as the gay runway. It used to be a fun event, but somehow the hetero ladies from the dirty vag discovered that the gays like to put on a show and they all descend wanting cosmos and what not for a Carrie Bradshaw, let's try to be inherently hip and hang with the gays kind of evening. That and they bring their spawn in their baby strollers of death and try to cram about 7000 people in three blocks. It's good times. Yeah right.

I think this is the first year in six or seven that I'm not guest bar tending at one of the establishments. Usually it's good money, but with the birthday celebration and me just being old and grumpy, I declined all invitations.

So for the children going out to the high heel races I have a couple of recommendations.

1) Have fun but please chill out, you are going to be served your drink in a plastic cup. The Hispanic dishwashers that every establishment employs can't keep up with washing glasses while you are binge drinking over three hours.

2) Bring cash, virtually no bartender is going to attempt to remember which of the 300 new faces belong to a new credit card. It's a fact and there will be no tabs tonight.

3) Yes the prices are going to be jacked up tonight, regular customers get over it, you should know after 25 years that this is going to happen, and you're not getting any special treatment either. No special martini requests and don't plan on eating your dinner at the bar, NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

4) Hetero ladies, leave your evil spawn at home with the husband or hire a baby sitter. This event is about the gays and your innocent children will witness some horrifying event like two boys holding hands. If you don't think your kids can handle it, don't bring them.

5) Hetero boys, yes all those pretty ladies are in fact dudes, except for the one pre-op transgender lady that will be roller blading in a thong and have on pasties, she's the real deal, but will probably rob ya while she's blowing ya, so give it up. Oh yeah, like the kids, if you're coming to Gay Street, then you need to be prepared to be hit on, take it as a compliment and move on with your life.

6) Everyone, like I said earlier, have fun, but chill the eff out. It's about three hours of debauchery with way too many people and we bartenders will remember how you acted a fool and the next time, you'll get a full glass of tonic with a splash of vodka. Every bartender will be bitter tonight because we can't keep up with the demands.

So that's it, y'all have fun at the race, I'll be watching the Phillies finally try and pull off the series.

Tina and Ike

2008-09-17T09:47:00.002-04:00

So I'm totally thinking that we shold recruit Tina Turner to do a charity, fundraising concert for all those on the Gulf coast who endured the most recent hurricane, cause you know, she survived Ike's thrashing too.

The Sarah Palin Baby Name Generator

2008-09-15T12:40:00.001-04:00

Ok folks this is brilliant!

Ever wonder what would happen if you had been birthed by Sarah Palin? Well now you can know your name.

Check it out for a good laugh or two.

Sincerely,

Tangle Jig Palin

Still With You

2008-09-11T08:48:00.003-04:00

Seven years.

It still brings a tear to my eye. It's still the reason that I loathe Atlanta. I was there in Buckhead at a meeting with the CDC when my cell phone kept ringing. It was the same number five times in a row. I didn't recognize the number, but decided to step out and field the call. Walking through the lobby of that dreaded hotel, I saw the second plane crash into the tower on the giant TV.

My uncle was in there. He wasn't just an uncle, he was my big brother of sorts. I had followed in his footsteps. I had broken that mold. I too, was gay.

He was the man who took me under his wing, helped me come out, took me out and about in New York.

He was in the second tower.

Pull yourself together, he's going to make it out. Compose yourself, you need to let the CDC officials know that something's going on. He'll be fine.

Being Atlanta, every television station somehow was usurped by CNN. Round the clock coverage. We were trying to tune it out, advocates and government officals alike, suddenly friends, stuck in a crappy hotel lobby most of us from New York and DC.

Then the second name. I saw it flash across the ticker, Bear Trap was on flight 93.

This time, I couldn't pull it together. I still hate Atlanta, but I have to give my thanks to Joan, Chris and John. They pulled me away and pushed a shot of whiskey and a beer into my hands. Somehow, they even got me to laugh, they're still special people.

So yeah, I hate this day. I hate reliving it. I hate the sucker-punch in the gut when I see the first flag at half-mast. I hate the media and the government and the patriots for ripping open a wound every year that still hasn't comepletely healed. I don't think it ever will.

I miss ya Uncle G. I miss ya Mark.

I know you guys aren't coming back and that I have my memories.

I'm still 'with you'!

You

2008-08-28T13:40:00.002-04:00

You're the one who asked me out, who pursued me, who made my day brighter.

You're the one who stole kisses that first night.

You're the one who I hobbled out to see three days after knee surgery because your mom had passed away and you needed to see a "comforting face."

You're the one who had a "hectic weekend" and broke our plans but wanted to get together this week.

You're the one that I was allowing to come into my heart.

You're the one who on Tuesday sent an email, that you just wanted to be friends.

Today, you're the one professing your love for the new guy.

You're an asshole.

It's Done

2008-08-05T09:19:00.002-04:00

Well, last Thursday I had the big cut to take me to lucky knee surgery #14. I had always considered 13 to be my lucky number. It was my soccer jersey worn through high school and college play and my last surgery was actually in 2001. I made it 7 whole years before colliding with a wet manhole cover and slipping to catch the asphalt (which isn't so conducive to sliding).

Anywho, I'm back in action somewhat and have at least managed to lose the crutches but the hobbling goes slowly.

The good news is that I've only had to take a couple of the prescription pain-killers, so for the right price they could be yours.

I'm Kidding, I'm kidding! They'll eventually go the way of dead goldfish, adding to the DC watershed pharmacy. Hope to see you guys out and about.

Cheers

Live and Let Live, Or Not

2008-07-23T08:56:00.004-04:00

I consider myself a pretty laid back kind of guy. I rarely get really worked up over petty issues and it takes a lot to really piss me off, but be forewarned, when you do, I strike in typical Scorpio fashion. I strike to kill.

That being said, there's an individual at my workplace that's kinda set me off. Sadly I know that he's probably plain ignorant, but seriously, what fool get's a tattoo of the German Flag and eagle insignia on your left forearm!

Now this probably wouldn't offend the majority out there, but I'm a member of the Hebrew Tribe and sadly my grandparents sported tattoos on their left forearms as well, vivid and daily reminders of their time spent in the Concentration Camps at Neiderhagen. Fortunately, the were never shipped further on to Auschwitz and were liberated by the Americans on April 2, 1945.

Really? You're gonna get a tattoo of the German Flag and Eagle on your left forearm and not expect some people to get a little pissy? Yeah Mister, you can tell me it's all about your support for the German Soccer Team and how well the played in Euro 2008, but for me it's all about your ingnorance and a systematic hate that wiped out most of my family.

So it seems we're at an impass Mister Co-Worker, you're tattoo can't go away, and it can't bring back my family, but just know, you're now on notice, because like I said, I can be laid back, but you're dangerously close to that level of annoyance, when I strike.

Concert Time

2008-07-09T10:58:00.001-04:00

Back in March I posted about my new girl crushes Chandra and Leigh Watson. Well children, they've just released their debut album and are kicking of a US tour tonight in DC at the Rock and Roll Hotel.

I'm totally going to hear some rocking music. Y'all come out and join.

An Open Letter to the Territorial Representation

2008-07-03T09:23:00.004-04:00

Dear Delegates Faleomavaega, Holmes-Norton, Bordallo, Fortuno and Christensen:

You are tried and true Democrats who serve our nation well, the fact that you all represent token areas in Congress and don't actually get to vote on anything puts you in an interesting place. That being said, We need your voice.

I'm sure that you've been recently made aware of the the fact that once again a little Federal Amendment to ban us homos from getting married has resurfaced. As if the sanctity of marriage rested on my and my future partner in sodomy's* ability to pick out the perfect table settings from Pottery Barn and an ideal assortment of kitchen ware from Sur la Table or accessorize any room from Ikea really mattered. It's all about marriage and somehow we're a threat. Ok ok I get it, but I have a little plan to really protect the sanctity of marriage and I'm gonna need your help.

You see, since you all come from heavily democratic areas (and you have no voting records to protect) we need y'all to stand up and scream, and introduce one tiny piece of legislation. Yup I'm talkin about a Federal Amendment to the Constitution that Bans Divorce. If we're so worried about the gays getting married and the sanctity of marriage, shouldn't we be protecting marriage in the first place? Yup, thats the answer, ban Divorce.

Now I'm sure some conservative republican constitutional scholars are going to talk about how this violates a straight person's right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I imagne that Rush Limbaugh is going to get up set that he won't be able to marry a future divorcee of his, but isn't that what its all about? We're saving marriage here, the gay's have already given up on the right to life, liberty and pursuit of happiness routine. Fair is fair, right?

Oh yes, and I'm sure that Jenna Bush and Henry Hager will rue the day that they said "til death do us part" but honestly, if one of them cuts out a little early due to suicide woundn't that just make the world a much better place? See straight people don't have to stay married, they already have an out with death. Of course we might see more murders this way, but think of it as charity for all the divorce lawyers out there, they can now become defense attorneys in the plethora of murder cases that will arise.

See to me, it just makes much more sense as a measure to protect marriage than not allowing us gay's to get married; ban divorce. I think it will help the straights to pick out more appropriate partners too, I mean if you can never get divorced certainly Mrs. Diaper-Dandy Vitter and Mrs. Toe-Tappin Craig would want to know about their husbands' fetishes prior to tying the not? Had they known that divorce was not an option maybe just maybe they wouldn't have taken the plunge; however, I have to give them credit for standin by their man and encouraging them to yet again introduce a ban on homo marriage. Those wives must be so proud that their husbands are Co-Sponsors trying to protect the sacred rite of marriage.

So dearest Eni, Eleanor, Madeline, Luis and Donna it's time for you to step up to the plate. Use your status as useless Delegates to introduce another useless federal amendment. It really will make a difference in protecting the sanctity of marriage.

Sincerely,

A Citizen Concerned About the Sanctity of Marriage

* I have to give a shout out to DBud for the Partner in Sodomy, love it.

Annoyed, But in a Good Way

2008-06-25T08:50:00.001-04:00

I'm certainly not one to let my grumblings about Metro go quietly into the night (or workday); and usually I find my 30 minute commute rift with rude, classless Washingtonians who seem to find countless ways to irk me before my morning cuppa. Today, however, was a different story.

Mr. Hottie McScruff in the pink shirt and tie, normally I wouldn't glance twice at someone that decked out in pink, it hurts my homo-sensibilities when people are that matchy-matchy, but I'd totally do ya. Any time any place.

Hot bald guy, yea you're on the list too. I like the fact that you've also forgone the requisite bald dude facial hair to prove that you've got some testosterone left, but you don't have to, you were oozing masculinity. Thanks.

Dirty, tourist dad that is totally a DILF. You even had the audacity to grab my butt, and while I appreciate that, I'm going to have to turn you down. You see if you're not willing to protect the sanctity of your marriage, the fact that you lugged your three kids two in strollers of death and your vapid wife onto the metro during High Commute is just wrong. So sadly, how as your are, ya lost points for that one. But thanks for the grope.

Mr. Suit, you also get the any time any place status, if nothing else, then the fact that that ill-fitting suit on your rocking bod would look better on the floor than covering those pecs.

And finally to the hot, sweaty, hairy, shirtless jogger in front of my building. Would totally do ya and I can totally imagine those legs high in the air.

So as you can see, I'm a little annoyed this morning, but only due to the sheer amount of hotness that replaced my normally dull mindless commute. If I wasn't classy I'd head off to the little boys room to take care of business. But I don't roll like that at work.

Breaking NEWS!

2008-06-18T09:17:00.002-04:00

Ticker: Tim Russert is still dead.

Ok people (Media types), I get it, one of yours has kicked the bucket. He's as dead as Hillary's Campaign, now lets move on.

Forewarned

2008-06-10T08:47:00.002-04:00

Ok, I know it's the heat and humidities, but I'm in a foul mood. Please be advised that I may snap and lash out at any minute. Of course having to wear a suit doesn't help.

My Story

2008-06-02T13:52:00.003-04:00

Kelly recently put out a Pride month challenge to tell our stories, well here goes.

I grew up in a fairly liberal household in N.C. with two parents teaching at the university level. That being said, my formative years were largely stress free (apart from having a Jewish Mom and Catholic Dad) which put me and the sister at two-for-one conversion status for the local Southern Baptists. In general I was an active, social teenager playing soccer in the fall and catching for my baseball team in the spring, despite being 6’3” I’ve never touched a basketball but that’s a different story. I guess what I’m saying is that I had a relatively normal childhood, but in all honesty I wasn’t really interested in girls or guys.

Having two parents in academia, it wasn’t a question of would I go to college, but where. When I looked in my own backyard, I had Duke University, Wake Forest University, UNC-Chapel Hill, and Davidson College, all well known academic programs in NC. I was accepted to all four schools, but Wake Forest won out when the soccer coach invited me to walk-on the team as a freshman. He recruited me with the knowledge that I wouldn’t be offered a scholarship, but would get regular playing time. The fact that my father had played football for Wake also swayed me in that direction.

Well let me tell ya, Wake Forest is essentially a country club. Yes the academics kick your butt, but there are beautiful people at Wake and it was here that I started to recognize my attraction to guys, but more in a, damn he’s got great abs, but guys don’t talk about this stuff kind of way. Fortunately, apart from a handful of students, people at Wake don’t date, they hook up. The campus of 4000 students is way to small to have your business discussed ad nauseam if you become one half of a couple.

After Wake, and many knee surgeries later, I decided to enter Medical School, this time at Duke. Duke med school is a special (as in retarded) place. They cram all of your academic coursework into one calendar year, and then you take your boards and go to the wards for rotations. It was my first year after we had completed neurobiology and its related medical conditions in five weeks that we had a small break. My classmate, Prythie a cute little 5’3” Indian student arranged a much needed night out on the town to celebrate multiple birthdays, five weeks of torture being over and an all around good time. It was one of those events where friends of friends join in and Prythie’s classmate from Northwestern, Matthew joined us along with a multitude of others.

Now, for those that don’t know me, I have a very twisted sense of humor and while I’m reserved in peppering in my comments, when they do come, they tend to be zingers. Unfortunately, Matthew just kept setting himself up for me to hit him with one-liners at the first bar we were at on Franklin Street in Chapel Hill. Many beers later, someone in the group suggested that we go to “He’s Not Here” a notable bar still taking money from UNC and Duke kids about 6 blocks from our current stop. Big group packs up and moves down the street but for some reason Matthew and I get separated in between a group that had already left and the slackers that were still paying checks and stuff…Fast forward a block or two, and Matt grabbed my hand, wheeled me around and planted a big kiss.

The light bulb went off; oh that’s what this kissing thing is about! I broke the kiss and let him know that I had never kissed a guy before and he seemed taken aback apparently thinking I was going to deck him. No, no it’s okay I responded. It seemed that Matthew thought that my twisted sense of humor and one liners was flirtation all night long.

We made our way to “He’s Not Here,” all along Matthew worried that I was offended, but in honesty I couldn’t wait to do it again, he was hot with dark eyes and a nice furry chest. A few beers later and a couple of stolen kisses, Prythie caught us, shrieking, “I knew you guys would be perfect together!” My classmates from med school were all cool saying that it was about time. I guess everyone knew but me.

Matthew and I hooked up a few times, but in all honestly, he’s one of the good guys and knew that I wasn’t ready to date. He introduced me to the local gay life, which drama queens to avoid, and who not to sleep with. Unfortunately, I finished my coursework and passed my boards, but I knew at that time I never wanted to practice medicine in a formal way. I left school the next August and lost touch with Matt, but I’ll always remember that first kiss.

If its June it must be Pride

2008-05-30T09:02:00.002-04:00

Oh Pride! Well ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year when Pride events lure all sorts of gays and lesbians out of the woodwork and crashing uponbig cities for a weekend of debauchery. In a week or two, those of us who live normal and everyday fabulous gay lives in the Nation’s Capitol will be coming out in force, along with a special group of gays…those never seen. So today I give you the guide to the rarely seen gays and lesbians, who will in fact, make an appearance at pride.

The Softball Femme. This particular breed of lesbian often makes a noted appearance at pride, having taken the weekend off from the plethora of sports with which she participates. These include, but are no way limited to, softball, field hockey, soccer, flag football and ultimate Frisbee. Taking on the appearance of a femme, the Softball femme will appear in khaki shorts and two color coordinated tank-tops from the Gap. She’ll also have a blond pony-tail pulled back and most likely will be sporting a made-up face that is surprisingly natural in the make-up application. Beware, while the Softball femme looks totally approachable, she’ll crack any guy's nuts with the drop of a heartbeat. Identifying drink is any beer in a can.

The Military Queen. Risking the anonymity of the hordes of people that converge upon DC for pride, the Military queen will make an appearance from behind the computer screen to actually venture out into the real gay world. Noting that it’s easier to blend in among a crowd, the military queen is still easily picked out due to their erect posture, baseball cap pulled down over their eyes and the darkest of dark sunglasses. The baseball cap and sunglasses magically disappear once the military queen enters a dark and crowded bar, but are only replaced by darting eyes and a generally nervous and twitching appearance. Initial approach of the military queen should be taken with caution as they will appear flighty; however, once you’ve fed him four or five gin and tonics or beam and cokes (no vodka it’s not manly enough), the military queen will turn magically into the super slut that she is on gay.com, manhunt or craigslist and will put out quite easily, legs flying over her head. Just make sure to kick her out before sun rises or she’ll be a big mess in the morning wondering how to get back to base.

The Fanny Pack Crowd. This group of gays and lesbians are easily identified by their fanny packs and are inevitably from the Dirty Vag, the Outer reaches of the Dirty Vag (W.V.) or South Carolina. North Carolinians are exempt from this group because of our higher educational system including Duke, Wake Forest, UNC and Davidson which are used to import Yankees to the state to improve the overall fashion and speech patterns. The Fanny Pack Crowd will tend to hover in small groups at stare with awe at the gays and lesbians in our fabulousness and will have waist sizes that rival small bovines. Interaction should be limited to pointing out that they can’t get a Coors Lite in the Nation's Capitol and pointing them in the direction of Annie’s for a steak.

The Lesbian Thug. This particular variety of lesbian is not to be confused with the butch crowd. This bitch will cut ya. She’s the particular short and round lesbian that’s sporting a reasonable amount of bling, pants hanging below her ass and a Mystics/Sparks/Liberty basketball jersey that praise Allah covers her granny panties that would otherwise be seen due to the pants below the ass. The lesbian thug may also be seen wearing a skull cap is likely to have a bad case of acne which may be in part to the elevated levels of T she’s taking while exploring whether or not she wants to make the change to a regular ole garden variety male thug. Interaction is best left to crossing to the opposite side of the street when the Lesbian Thug approaches. The drink of choice is anything under three dollars with no tip.

The Britney Spears Queen. Hearing “Ohmygody’allI’minthebigcity” is the official way to determine a Britney Queen, similar to the Fanny Pack Crowd, this group of gays is generally from the small town rural variety of living. However, with the advent of satellite television and Netflix, they are better versed in gay life due in great part to Will and Grace and seasons 1-4 of Queer as Folk. Inevitably sporting some form of “out and proud t-shirt” and a plethora of rainbow flags and accoutrement, they still don’t quite get it and many times are seen in denim shorts and high-top sneakers or the worst atrocity, overalls. How very gay 90’s. The drink of choice of the Britney Queen is a wine spritzer, but they’re likely to go all out and get a Cosmo. Interaction with the Britney Queen is in large part easy, because they are so easily distracted by modern city life including the metro and taxi cabs.

Twink with a Flag. While not unknown in the gay world, the twink dancing with a flag is included in this special edition of the gays you never see simply for one reason—daylight. This special group of gays, typically seen at large disco events, circuit parties and on top of a box dances fabulously, but only after dark. Inevitably he’ll be shirtless with a substantial application of glitter and rivaling Mary Kate Olsen for the boniest hips on the planet. Do not attempt to feed this twink no matter how emaciated he looks and approach the twink dancing with a flag with caution as he has most likely been tweaking for many hours and is likely to drool incoherently about needing a blow pop and a bottle of pride water.

The Pre-Operative Transexual Lesbian. This straight guy is the confused one who wants to be a woman and but is still attracted to women making him a general mess. The pre-operative transsexual lesbian or POTL, will appear in Dynasty era dress, hair, and make-up channeling Linda Evans to his/her best ability. At both times wanting to appear as a femme lesbian, but still wanting to go on a muff dive, this particular breed is separated from the garden variety drag queen by the inappropriately applied make-up. Generally the POTL is just emerging from his/her shell and pride is the first event where he can don his mother’s dress outside of the bedroom. The POTL is harmless; however they are prone to get super drunk on wine coolers and shots of whiskey as neither the guy nor the girl identity can win out.

So that’s it, "The 2008 Edition of The Gays and Lesbians You Normally Don’t See Guide to Capital Pride."

First Games and Such

2008-05-28T08:50:00.006-04:00

So the long weekend ended up being a weekend of baseball and it was all good. My good friends Ben and Sarah called me Sunday to say that they were going to take use of the weather and take the girls to their first baseball game, would I like to attend. Of course I jumped on the opportunity and joined them and our friend Corinna to introduce Lucie and Alice to the Nationals.

Here are the cuties waiting for us to buy tickets!

Lucie isn't a big fan of the pre-game fireworks!

Alice on the other hand was a ball of smiles.

Former Sox alum, Gabe Kapler is still hot, this is as close as I could get, sadly.

All in all Sunday was a good game, yes it does take four adults to take two sassy little girls under three to a baseball game, and to their credit, the girls did well til the 8th inning, when we were far past nap time, so we missed the final run for the Nats to win 7-6.

Monday, on the other hand was baseball debauchery in its finest. If Sunday was family day, Monday was gay family day. A troop of homo's and hags took in the game, getting nicely sunburned, enjoying the sights and attempting to put back beer in what was the first officially nasty-hot humid day in the Nation's Capitol.

All in all, it was a good time.

Update...a little graphic for the weak stomached.

2008-05-23T11:43:00.003-04:00

Well great! I recently posted about my previous trials and tribulations relating to the knees. And as such scheduled an appointment with the Doctor of Orthopedics who's taken care of me since say 99 and honestly he was shocked to see me! Meaning that he expected me back sooner and actually had to open a new file! So good news of sorts.

Unfortunately, having described the new round of knee pain, and a little evaluation, yea I'm swollen, yes I can feel the give in the lockmans test (ACL test to determine if there's a tear), no that doesn't hurt. It was off to see my friends in radiology for x-rays.

Now I'm not a normal person, I like sports medicine and anatomy, so having reviewed my own x-rays when they were complete and a little prompting from Dr. Fine, we have a diagnosis! So back when I did surgery number 11 on the right knee, they had to use cadavar ligaments to replace my ACL and PCL. This involves taking a dead person's ligaments along with a little bit of bone. Cutting out a little notch of the bone from my tibia and femur, inserting titanium screws into the bone fragments from the cadavar ligament and screwing the new ligament into my existing bones. A couple of weaks later with some anti- rejection drugs, and my bone has grown over the donor bone and screw, and voila a new set of ligaments. Much physical therapy later and all should have been fine.

Well it seems that I've ripped the titanium screw away from my femur. You can actually see the head of the screw a couple millimeters away from the end of the femur. Its still partially attached, but that is causing weakness and laxness in the right knee, along with lots of fluid release causing the swelling. The bad news, it's really disgusting to think about, the good news, hopefully I can get away with an arthroscopic surgery and they can basically re-screw the ligament back in place. Ahh the wonders of technology. So seeing as how this has been a week from hell and I've largely been in a bad mood, it was nice to get some good news this morning to kick off my four day weekend. Yeah I totally blew off work for the Doc's appointment!

Anywho, not as much hobblin around on crutches as I thought. Cheers!

Did California Screw the Rest of Us?

2008-05-20T09:18:00.004-04:00

I've been holding off posting on the California Supreme Court decision granting marriage rights to the gays for a couple of days to get my head around it. In general I think it's good, but being somewhat of a policy wonk and resident of DC, I have to exercise my right to have an opinion on this issue. Hey we all do it, even if I bitch about it occaisionally.

That being said, I think California did the right thing the wrong way. In their judgement, stating that the good intentions of the State to establish equal rights under Domestic Partnerships but giving it another name, was in fact discriminatory; hence the State is Constitutionally obligated to extend marriage benefits to the gays.

My issue here is the use of the separate but equal is not equal arguement. Ya see, apart from the Northeast, California, Oregon and DC who have existing domestic partnership laws (Illinios may come), the rest of the US is still going to have to play catch up. I strongly believe that in a generation or two, we will begin to see change across the U.S. and domestic-partner like legislation in most states, still reserving marriage for the heteros; HOWEVER, California may have thrown Conservatives a bone with their ruling.

One can easily make the arguement that the California Ruling, that separate is not equal, may quash any new domestic partnership legislation outright. Using the arguement that we can't enact any rights granting legislation because the activist judges will just turn what rights we give the homo's into marriage. Hence any potential new legislation elsewhere which would grant some rights may have no chance at all, due to their very existance and the presedence set by the California Ruling. At the same time, existing Domestic Partnership laws, may now have to be re-examined, especially if the CA Case makes it to the U.S. Supreme Court.

I guess my bigger issue here, is while CA did the right thing, the rest of the U.S. may not even go near Domestic Partnerships, fearing that they'll automatically be turned into marriage. Am I wrong here people?

Alma Mater

2008-05-19T10:11:00.003-04:00

Today is graduation day at my Alma Mater Wake Forest University. Its traditionally heald on the "Quad" or formally Hearn Plaza in front of Wait Chapel. Wake Forest is a beautiful school and still holds a special place in my heart. You can tell by the beautiful picture of Wait Chapel at sunset.

Wake is the smallest school that plays Division I sports in the NCAA, when I graduated each class averaged 900 students, today 4,412 undergraduates make up the population. Something I find impressive that we continue to compete in sports in both the ACC and NCAA. This year, the Men's Soccer team won the NCAA Championship. The Field Hockey Team performed a three-peat as NCAA Champions in 2002, 2003, and 2004. They have reached the final four for eight consecutive years, falling this year to Penn State. Two years ago, my little school won the ACC Football Championship and Played Louisville in the Orange Bowl. Much commentary was made at that time about the fact that Wake Alumni don't travel well...considering that if all 55,000 living alumni went to the Orange Bowl, we still couldn't sell out the game. I went down to Miami for the game with some of my classmates and ironically, when we pulled in to tailgate, we parked next to 8 more other classmates. That's one of the great things about Wake, it's small enough that we knew most of our classmates by both name and face. Other National Chamionships include Men's Golf in 1974, 76 and 86 and Baseball in 1955.

We do some pretty good things at Wake Forest, twice in recent history has the school hosted Presidential Debates, on September 25, 1988 George H.W. Bush debated Michael Dukakis. On October 11, 2000 George W. Bush debated Al Gore. We're listed to be an alternative site for the Presidential Debates this year, should the candidates decide to have a third debate.

Wake also manages to pump out some pretty impressive names and faces.
Our most notable faculty member is none other than Poet Laurieat of the United States and all around crazy lady Maya Angelou, English. Her class is insanely hard to get into and its reported that if you don't cry at least once, you won't get an "A."

For our alumni, check out this list

Arts and letters

Carol Barbee, television producer/writer
W.J. Cash, author and journalist
Al Hunt, Journalist
William Louis Poteat, Educator and President of Wake Forest (1905-1927)

Politics, law, and government
Josiah W. Bailey, U.S. Senator (D-NC) (1931-46); co-author of the Conservative Manifesto criticizing the New Deal
Rhoda Billings, Professor and Chief Justice of the North Carolina Supreme Court
J. Melville Broughton, Governor of North Carolina (D) (1941-45) and U.S. Senator
Richard Burr, U.S. Senator (R-NC)
James P. Cain, U.S. Ambassador to Denmark
Mary Easley, First Lady of North Carolina
Robert L. Ehrlich, Governor of Maryland (R) and former Congressman
Brigadier General Pat Foote (Retired - US Army), First Female to be given Brigade Command, First Female Instructor at the Army War College
Jesse Helms, former U.S. Senator (R-NC) (1973-2003) NUT JOB!
Charlie Crist, Florida Governor (R)(2006-Present) HOMO!

Sports and entertainment

Stephanie Birkitt, Assistant to David Letterman on The Late Show with David Letterman
Marc Blucas, Professional Actor
Bill Haas, Pro Golfer
Lee Norris, Television star (Boy Meets World (Minkus), The Torkelsons, One Tree Hill)
Muggsy Bogues, Shortest NBA player of all-time, standing 5 ft 3 in (1.60 m)
Tim Duncan, Forward-Center for the San Antonio Spurs NBA basketball team, 2 time NBA MVP
Jay Haas, Professional PGA Tour golfer
Josh Howard, Forward-Guard for the Dallas Mavericks NBA basketball team
Joe Lawson, co-creator of GEICO Cavemen commercials and ABC's Cavemen TV series
Justin Moose, Major League Soccer, D.C. United
Billy Packer, CBS college basketball analyst
Arnold Palmer, PGA TourlLegend, four-time champion of The Masters
Michael Parkhurst, 2005 Major League Soccer Rookie of the Year, New England Revolution
Carroll O'Connor, Actor (All in the Family's Archie Bunker)
Chris Paul, Guard for the New Orleans Hornets NBA basketball team, 2005-2006 NBA Rookie of the Year
Brian Piccolo, Fullback for the Chicago Bears, died of Leukemia, portrayed by James Caan in the television movie Brian's Song
Curtis Strange-American golfer
Eddie Timanus, USA Today sportswriter and Jeopardy! champion.
Dave Willis, Co-Creator of the animated television shows Aqua Teen Hunger Force and Squidbillies; writer and voice actor for animated television show Space Ghost: Coast to Coast
Cory Sullivan, MLB
Kevin Jarvis, MLB
Mike McDougal, MLB
Dave Bush, MLB
Pat Phelan, Major League Soccer player for Toronto FC

Wake's also a family oriented school, I graduated in 1996 and played soccer for three years for the varsity team, my dad graduated in 1966 and played football for the varsity team, he actually played with Brian Piccolo. My mom's father, graduated from Wake Forest Law School in 1924 and I have a picture of my graduation day where we're all holding our respective diplomas it's pretty cool.

So as you can see, I'm 'Pround to be a Demon Deacon!' and I want to give a shout out to today's graduates, you're joining an elite club.

I'm not a pessimist, honestly

2008-05-15T08:49:00.003-04:00

Sometimes the events of the world make me ponder life and all of it's insanity. Having a strange educational and career background is often the source of my strange thinking, but that's another story. What has recently struck me is the idea that Mother Nature is somehow lashing out at us.

Global warming, Hurricanes in the Western Hemisphere, the tropical Cyclone in Myanmar, polar bears now an endangered species, loss of ice shelf and the earthquake in China. In the past two weeks, 100,000 projected to be dead in Burma, and another potential 50,000 in China. Momma Nature is not happy with us kids.

But I think its more than that. I'm not a conspiracy theorist hence I think that HIV developed naturally (more likely was always there and has exploded with more international travel and a global world), but so is/was SARS, bird flu and any number of poxes that might plague us in the coming years.

Essentially, I think the earth has hit or is encroaching on critical mass. Think about it, more and more people are identifying as gay or lesbian, which should have served to reduce our population. Only problem is that its now trendy to have a baby with your own genetic material. Before that it was malaria and TB, but outside of the developing world, we largely have these in check. Prior to that, you simply died because no one had discovered penicillin and before Salk, no one had thought to inoculate against smallpox. Shoot, I'll even count the plague as a population censor.

Essentially, what I'm postulating is that for every advancement that we make in humanity, medicine, science etc; Mother Nature is just as creative and strikes back. I'm not saying she's a bitch, but she does seem to come crashing through every time.

Now, what really scares me is that we, the West, has become dependent on technology to monitor our everyday lives. Yes we survived Y2K, but money is largely dependent on an ATM and credit card, cell phones and computers for communication, bar codes to scan the price of an item, to track its shipping, to pump our gas (mom and pop gas stores are being hit with having the old rotary style gas pumps and can't go over $99.99). Technology allows our cars and transportation systems to work and all of this, in my opinion is leading to a reduction of actual human-to-human contact and a desensitization of interaction. Seriously, I can go an entire work day and not speak to a soul in my office, communicating via email or instant message.

I'm not projecting some doomsday event that would destroy civilization, but just think what might happen if we had to go a month without power. Where and how do you get money to survive, where do you buy groceries that haven't spoiled and how do you get them home? On top of that, what atrocities are we going to witness in say, the survival of the fittest?

On a side note, this could be a great screenplay...

Why DID that Chicken Cross THAT Road?

2008-05-14T10:51:00.003-04:00

I can't take credit for this, but it made me giggle.

Why did the Chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MCCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure-Right from Day One!-that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But, honestly, this really isn't about me....

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before he goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help it realize how stupid it's been acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live its life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why that chicken crossed that road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us, there's no middle ground.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER-CNN: We have reason to believe that there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks. That chicken should BURN!

PAT BUCHANAN: That chicken crossed the road to take the job of a hard working American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little birdie gave me any insider infomration.

DR. SEUSE: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I do not know.

JERRY FALLWELL: Because the chicken is GAY! Can't you people see the pain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you'll become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road, it's as plain and simple as that.

GRANDPA: Back in my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few momments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serouse case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of corssing the road.

ARISTOTLE: Its in the nature of chickens to cross roads.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in all the world, crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eCHICKEN2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eCHICKEN. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...^&%^(#. Please reboot to start eCHICKEN2008.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not corss that road with THAT chicken. What's your definition of chicken.

AL GORE: I invented chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENY: Where's my gun, y'all duck!

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

It was Bound to Happen

2008-05-08T08:49:00.002-04:00

I'm not in a good mood these days. You see, I'm a reformed baseball catcher (no jokes please)/soccer, turned field hockey-lacrosse, turned rugby player. But as of late, having been sidelined, I've come to realize that I need to chase some form of ball around a grassy/astroturf field to get the adequate exercise that I need (treadmills just don't cut it). The problem being the following list. I thought I had happily ended at lucky number 13, but alas I don't think its that simple. I present:

1) Left knee, ruptured 2 ligaments Anterior Cruciate (ACL), Medial Colateral (MCL) and tore cartilage, full reconstruction (Fall 1989).

2) Right knee, ruptured ACL as a result of over-rehabilitation of left knee's prevous debacle, reconstruction (Spring 1991).

3) Right knee, removal of a plica (odd tissue buildup), debridement (Summer 1992).

4) Left knee, cartliage tear, debridement (Fall 1993), played a week later.

5) Left knee, SOOOO NOT MY FAULT, torn ACL, yes again for the second time when an ACC rival tackled me from behind, reconstruction with iliotibail band, (college soccer career ending event Spring 1995).

6) Right knee, torn ACL, yep that's both knees, totally my fault playing hide-n-seek on wet grass with neighborhood kids. reconstruction, (Summer 1996).

7) Left and Right knee cartliage debridements...moving into maintainence phase now and yes I had both knees scoped at once and hobbled around on crutches like a fool. surgeries #7 and #8, both legs at once counts as two events in my book before heading off to grad school (Summer 1997).

8) Right knee, torn cartliage field hockey...astroturf is not good for bad knees. surgery # 9 summer between first and second year of grad school (Summer 1998).

9) Left knee, dis-unified ossification of the left tibial-tuberocity (bone chip that separated from my tibia where the quadracepts tendon inserts into the lower leg) from being struck in the shin with a field hockey stick...stupid lesbian. Surgery # 10. First year in DC (Fall, 1999).

10) More maintainence right knee cartilage debridement, (last year of the free world known as Democratic Leadership in the White House December 2000).

11) Big whopper, right knee hyperextension playing rugby when I was running full stride and a guy dove in front of me, pinning my foot to the turf and me pitching forward at the knee. Ruptured ACL, Ruptured Posterior Cruciate Ligament (PCL), Torn MCL and Torn Laterial Collateral Ligament (LCL). That's right I took all four ligaments available in my knees at once. Introduction of Ed and Betsy (my cadavar replacement ligaments for the ACL/PCL) cause there was nothing left to take from me as a substitute ligament, 6 months on crutches, 9 months of physical therapy and one unhappy Mr. Scott. (Summer of 2001 surgery #12 w/photos).

12) Scott's definition of asphalt diving. While actually attempting to run on the streets, I got hit by a car. You guessed it, the introduction of Sue, the ACL cadaver ligament in my left knee and surgery lucky number 13 (Fall 2004).

Well as you can see, I'm bringing this all up because I think it's time to move on to number 14. My right knee has been acting out lately and is not cooperating with the fun activities left to me such as the eliptical trainer and walking in a straight line. On top of that, I want to chase a ball again. So, if y'all see me hobblin around the streets of DC on my trusted crutches that have served me for 18 years, please don't steal my pain killers. I need 'em.

Ok, so off to see the doc. I swear I've single-handedly put both of his kids through Duke.

An Anniversary of Sorts

2008-05-06T08:57:00.005-04:00

Sixteen years ago today (well not May 6, 1992), but on the first Tuesday after the first Monday in May, I voted for the first time in North Carolina. I was a senior in High School, off to embark on an exciting university education. I remember leaving after school and going to the nearby fire station to cast my vote and feeling all grown up. I did in fact vote for Clinton, and also for Terry Sanford to run for Senate. Sanford lost the general election to Lauch Faircloth, who six years later would lose to John Edwards.

I laugh looking back, the North Carolina Democratic Party had 98 delegates to the convention in 1992, we had one of the lowest unemployment rates in the nation and overall life was good. I laugh that back then too, the Democratic race was undecided, with Bill Clinton making on stop in NC to campaign, CA governor Edmund Brown Jr. also made on stop and MA Senator Paul Tsongas was still on the ballot, but had dropped out. Essentially back then, NC didn't really matter, what a differnce 16 years could make.

Part of me wishes that I still had state residency so that I could vote in this historic election, but alas its not in my cards.

Bejing Bound!

2008-04-30T16:04:00.002-04:00

Woohoo! The US National Field Hockey Team made history this week by beating Belgium to earn the second-to-last spot for the Summer Olympics by a score of 3-1. The Ladies were an absolut terror ending the qualifying tournament with a 6-0 record and outscoring their opponents with a whopping 27-4 goal differential.

A particular shout out to my girls Dote and Cran who played for the Alma Mater and helped Wake to a three-peat as NCAA Champs!

I coached a handful of the girls on the team in a futures program here in DC and still keep my honored "first guy" status with the Wake Forest Coach and Team. Way back in 94, I'd blown my ACL and MCL in the left knee and sat out the year from soccer but worked with the field hockey team, who was in their third year of existence as a student coach, defensive body and athletic trainer.

Alas, they have a special place in my heart! Congrats ladies.

Saturday Nights are Fun

2008-04-28T08:53:00.001-04:00

Okay, so I met you Saturday night with some of my straight buddies after the Nats-Cubs game, and you came up to me all drunk begging me to be your "gay friend" because "every girl needs a gay." I think I had talked to you for about 2 minutes at this point. Seriously, what the fuck does that even mean? It's not even like you calling me gay is rude to start with. But the fact that you want me to round out your friend demographic, not for my personality or anything about me, but just because I'm gay is offensive. Would you have the balls to go up to somebody who is black and ask them that? Honey I don't think so.

So here's my question. Why do girls feel the need to come up to gay guys and ask us this? Why do I always hear "oh i used to have a gay friend in college so will you be my 'gay friend' now?" That or "oh you're so cute" or "honey" or "sweetie" like i'm a little dog or something. Seriously stop. I'm not small and while I am furry, I won't fit in your purse, so don't talk to me like that. I have a lot of "fag-hag" type friends but I also have a lot of guy friends that I like to go to Nats games with and drink with. Hell, I've even been to Archibalds with em. I'm friends with these people because they like me for reasons other than my sexuality, and the majority of our conversations don't revolve around it. Gasp, I actually don't sport glitter and half-shirts, and I don't like to spend all day at the mall shopping with you and giving you boy advice! Sorry to disappoint you. I guess I'm just a "bad gay."

Oh and to answer your question, you eye-sore girl from Saturday night, no, I won't be your friend. If you wanna play stereotypes and assume that all homos are a trendy accessory because we're somehow inherently hipper or more cosmopolitan or whatever, then how's this for a stereotypically shallow gay comment: Seriously you're gross. You wear braces, you have a speech impediment and I'm not sure if it's due to the braces or the sheer amount of plaque that's built up due to your inability to purchase toothpaste and dental floss. Also, I'm sorry, but I can't hang out with a size 14 (I'm being generous) who dresses in a burlap sac. G-d apparently hates you to curse you with looks that can burn holes in one's retinas upon direct eye contact or cause an instant case of throwing up a little bit in the mouth. Secondly, I'm afraid I've already filled the "verbally-challenged-narrow-minded-fat-girl" quota in my friendship cirle. If, however, a space opens, I'll be sure to give you a moo. I'm not sure what's uglier: you or your stereotypical remarks.

So to you, girl from Saturday night or "Girl-who-gets-less-dick-than-me-and-must-compensate-for-men's-disinterest-by-having-a-man-albeit-a-platonic-one-in-her-life," next time you see one of "us", maybe try chatting us up first. Maybe ask something else aside from "oooh honey how much do you love my dress?" No, I don't like your tarp and I really don't care what you're wearing. You offended me, my friends and probably three-quarters of the patrons of the bar we were at. Quite frankly you suck, but I must thank you for confirming my homosexuality!

Travel Update

2008-04-21T11:08:00.001-04:00

In Florida for the previous mentioned cop conference; Tampa is about as tragic as expected, back later in the week.

Prada Pope

2008-04-15T09:33:00.004-04:00

This man (on the left wearing a fabulous vintage chiffon-lined Dior gold lamé gown over a silk Vera Wang empire waist tulle cocktail dress, accessorized with a 3-foot beaded peaked House of Whoville hat, and the ruby slippers that drug-whore Judy Garland wore in the Wizard of Oz) is ashamed!

While we're on DC Pope Watch, I do love three things about today! The Tax Man Commeth, The Pax Man Commeth, and the Jews are hosting him.

36-Candles and a Ring

2008-04-11T23:56:00.001-04:00

A big Happy Birthday to my guy, Tek. If you didn't get your spankings you know how to get in touch with me, but somehow I think that choke th Sox gave up tonight to the Evil Empire might be enough.

I guess I'll just have to bake you a nice chocolate cake that I can lick the icing off later. Hope it's a good day and come back and take the series.

Paging Dr. Pooty Pootswell

2008-04-10T09:06:00.005-04:00

My general loathing of Metro has been well documented here; but I have another, ahem, issue. You see on my lovely morning commute which starts on what I refer to as the Soul Train. It's also known by the more colorful names of the Green or (sic Black) line. Having to fight off a plethora of DC school chillrens is one thing but to you Mr. Suit, well today you passed a whole new level of obnoxiousness.

Now, I'm one to say that we all have bodily functions, it's part of life and I've used the phrase explosive diarrhea with human resources many a time when I need a mental health day, trust me, no HR director is going to inquire about the nature of a number 2 gone a little watery, its an easy out for the day and can be covered by the likes of food poisoning or stomach bug, but I digress. Mr. Suit you singlehandedly almost vacated an entire train with you excessive passing of the gas today. Yes, I know it was you because you had that contorted face you were making prior to the emanations that could remove rust from an aged railway car, that could remove all the graffiti from New York City in dousing, hell you could probably eradicate Ebola.

While I give you kuddos for trying to erm, hold the stuff in next time just step off the train, find a bathroom, complete your business and spare the rest of us from the horrors of whatever combo of beer and bad food you intook last night. Like I said, my morning commute is already trying enough, I don't need to add olfactory offense to the list of things I'm trying to avoid.

The Doors are Closing, please stand clear of the doors, or in your case get out.

Bonus points to anyone who can identify the source of the title.

Woohoo!

2008-04-09T16:25:00.000-04:00

Seriously, the sun is out for like the first time in a week. Nothing else to say, but I'm not as cranky as this morning, of course that could have to do with the Metro, but its a general occurance in the morning time.

Weekend Roundup

2008-04-07T14:28:00.005-04:00

So the Parental Unit came to town this weekend, for some reason my mother thinks that if she misses the Cherry Blossoms somehow her spring won't be just right. What can I say, its nice to entertain them, but I'm also drained!

Saturday was a fun-filled day of fighting off other tourists on the mall, schlepping out to the Dirty Vag for some shopping and then I cooked em dinner. In a previous life I did a temporary gig as a Chef for the Australian Ambassador's Residence...I was taking a sabbatical from the working world, and their chef got all preggers and stuff so they needed a temp. Anywho, we had ginger glazed sea scallops with herbed basmati rice and snow peas. I also whipped up my world famous chocolate mousse with fresh raspberries and cinamon whipped cream.

Yesterday took the family unit up to Baltimore Hun so that mom could go to the National Aquarium. I actually enjoy the aquarium and since my mom works in early childhood education, it always gave her some new teaching method ideas. I love me some Baltimore too, serious caucausian refuse to be seen. Apart from that I didn't kow that you can now pay a small fee of $295.00 and scuba dive with the fishes...I'm so gonna have to recert my diving credentials. I mean how cool is that?

Finally we made it back to DC for dinner at Flo's. The parent's fell in love with this little gem of a restaurant a few years back over my birthday weekend and ever since, every trip requires a stop off at Floriana's for dinner and a chat with Flo herself. Flo's a classic Milanese lady, chain smoking and cussing like a sailor when not screaming at the patrons and staff. Needless to say, we love her. I finally bid the parents a good night around 7:00 pm for their drive back home and promplty went off for a nice stiff cocktail.

They drive me nuts, but I love 'em.

Discovery

2008-04-04T11:48:00.002-04:00

Ok, I have to admit it, I'm a big fan of the Fug Girls and it's with much guilty pleasure that I log onto their site pretty regularly to read with glee their shredding of celebrities and those in the "know" for their choice of attire. Not only are Heather and Jessica sarcastically scathing in their reviews, they're spot on funny and pretty good writers to boot. I like to think of them as surrogate Old Jewish ladies that pretty much say whatever they feel like.

Recently they've had a fug-off or to be more exact a 65-member head-to-head Fug-Madness elimination, NCAA style to determine which celebrity has the most fug. It's been fun and one of the things that's made it so is the fact that they've returned the comments section for this one special edition.

Of course that comment section is where I found this. Ok it's a little on the machismo-side from a writing standpoint and at times even derogatory towards women, but praise Allah the insanity of the pictures is hysterical. I will definitely have to check HCwDB again in the future.

Also, I know that she's bat-shit crazy and that's part of Bai-Ling's appeal, but she has a blog as well. I swear the Baby Jesus was smiling on me when I stumbled across these two Web gems.

As Promised

2008-04-01T10:31:00.019-04:00

So I promised earlier that I'd post the picks from Opening Day against the Nationals, and here ya go. We ended up with about 30 people with tickets all spread around the Stadium so many of us played swap seats for different views. All in all it was a good time.

The day started off with a Tailgate and pre-drink at Solly's where beer and brats were consumed and maybe a shot or too. Yes we're juvenile sometimes playing drinking games.

Metro was generally not a bad trip, and we were expunged right at the stadium where long lines were caused by the Lame Duck

Once inside; however, the stadium we began to enjoy the night

Of course, being DC we had to have not one, but two ginormous Homeland Security-Yah Rah America flags and Secret Service Mens

After a couple more pre-game brews, we settled in for the first pitch and first run of National's Park History!

Random shots not from my left field seats including the obligatory Presidents' Race (Let Teddy Win), the Upper Deck, view of the Capitol Dome from the Stairs, and Nat's Dugout.

It was freakin cold!

But to top off the night, Zimms got to the plate and belted a homer to walk away with the Nats win. All in all it was a good night and a painful Monday Morning!

Oh yeah, there were also these...WTF?

A Rant

2008-04-01T08:52:00.005-04:00

There's only one real thing that will make my day get off to a bad start, and the tart little Brintey Spears/Teen Pop Star Wannabe this morning during my local routine did just that.

You see, I'm a fan, no a big fan, no actually a huge fan of my every day morning cuppa. It's part of my ritual of emerging from metro, and joining in line before I head across the street. I like my first sip, with the fresh city air/smog wind as I step out the door. It makes me happy.

Now, when someone interrupts this process, I tend to not have such a good morning. Ergo, here's another addition to Scott's Little Book of Rules for Making the World a Better Place and Smoother Ride.

1) It's coffee, yes I know that your super-duper venti triple half caf, dry, extra shot 2 percent caramel apple mocha latte is important to you. But it should be important enough to remember and know exactly what you want. I prefer "venti drip" but like I said, its coffee.

2) When the local Starbucks attempts to expidite the long lines by having someone pre-order your drink, don't scoff...just wait in line for the register, pay and pick it up. It means that your drink will be hot and ready when paying. It also ensures that my coffee will be hot too, and I like it that way.

3)Just like knowing your drink, KNOW THE DAMN PRICE and have your money available. My venti drip is $1.98. I have my two dollar bills out of my wallet and hand it over. I'm not gonna touch the debate about math skills in America, that can come later, but we all love and understand the concept of money. Also, you don't need to use your Amex for three dollars, plan in advance kids.

4) If you need to dress your drink by adding sugar/artificial sweetener and or more milk, then you also need to know how to fix it. Debating over the turbinado versus the splenda shouldn't be very important. The first is raw sugar, the second is a no calorie artificial sweetener and that's a pretty big difference. I want my chance at the half-and-half for my coffee. Again, know your preference.

5) Under no circumstances should you ever, ever, ever dig through your change purse to find enough money. If you can't pay for the super duper latte, then don't order it. I don't care ithat you're scrounging through the bottom pile of lint in your knock-off Louis Vuitton Purse that you bought on a corner in Georgetown. And yes honey, I'm a queen, I can spot a knock-off a mile away.

Now, I understand that some mornings may be made a little bit more groggy than others because of last nights debauchery, I get it; however, espressly to the aforementioned Britney wannabe, "IT SHOULD TAKE ABSOLUTLY LESS THAN ONE MINUTE OF INTERACTION WITH THE CASHIER TO GET YOUR DRINK PAID FOR."

You see, miss thing broke all of the rules this morning, causing a delay in my expected happiness. I don't mean one, I mean all of them. And while I've scouted out the seven Starbucks locations within a four block radius of my office, I've found the one that I prefer. I know that I can go to others, but this particular shop is part of my moring happiness ritual.

So let it be stated that these are now the rules. Any violation will result in me shredding that knock-off bag of yours, quickly retooling it into a cat-o-nine tails, and flogging you to within an inch of your life.

We thank you for shopping at Starbucks.

Oh yeah, everybody enjoy one of my favorite holidays and pull a good prank or two...

First Place (for now)

2008-03-31T13:31:00.005-04:00

So the Nats took the game last night with a walk-off homer by Zimms, it's the second I've seen him pull off, the first against the Yank's on Father's Day. Anyway, it was a good game, started off by a little tailgate action here. I've got to organize the picks, but since he asked, I did do a little hoot and holler for Chipper when he took the first homer in National's Park History. So, here's a shoutout from post gameday. More picks will come.

Um...Yeah

2008-03-28T11:39:00.003-04:00

With all of the Scandals surrounding the Sanctity of Hetero Marriage, I think that there's something wrong with naming a restaurant at the National's new ball park Senators' Sausages. Seriously?!

Happy Birthday Baby!

2008-03-27T15:06:00.003-04:00

I make snarky observations from time to time and today happens to be one of those. Today is in fact the 10th birthday of what some would claim science's gift to men. Yes Virginia, Viagra was approved by the FDA ten years ago today. Much to the chagrin of little blue haired ladies everywhere (Liddy Dole among them), viagra has been pulsing through the veins of men everywhere.

While some will want to kill me for this, I am not a supporter of the little blue pill. One, I don't suffer from any dysfunction in that area, but two, I used to work for an HIV advocacy group and we fought Pfizer for many years to have them include a simple statement in their advertising that "viagra does not protect against HIV and STDs." Unfortunately, the Pfizer idiots and bigwhigs didn't want to associate the drug with HIV, the gays and buttsex, so to this date there is no warning associated with the pill.

What bothers me the most is that while working in the advocacy field, we conducted a "night after" study concerning viagra use among gay men. Interestingly, we found a significant number of empty viagra containers along with much other so-called "recreational" drug accoutrements at the site of the venue. Essentially, we volunteered to clean up at 6:00 am after the party so as to see exactly what was going on. Needless to say, our eyes were opened.

Now I'm not anti-sex, but I find it ironic that events such as Cherry, the White, Black, Blue and any number of color coordinated circuit parties profess to raise money for local AIDS services providers, but are often times a major contributing factor to the spread of HIV itself. Hence it is with trepidation that I wish the magical blue pill a begruded "happy ten years." I'm not gonna spread any form of good will towards Pharma, but instead will blow out some candles and wish that the world can get a handle on HIV in the coming decade.

Gimpin and Pain

2008-03-26T22:03:00.002-04:00

So, tonight was one of those nights that I do the coaching of the field hockey. I work with potential collegiate and olympic hopefuls to hone their skills. Yes, I'm a homo trapped in a lesbian mindset. Anywho, at tonight's practice, I was instructing the younglings on taking penalty corner shots. As such, I was rushing them out of the cage (aka goal), and recieved a straight shot to my right quad at about 8:30ish. Now at 10:15, the nasty discoloration that is beginning to swell and become what I'm sure a lovely bruise has already set it. Just a heads up, if you see me hobblin around town in the next few days, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES touch the right thigh. I'm off to the ice and advil world. Good night.

Not That I'm Implying Anything

2008-03-26T14:08:00.003-04:00

But since I poked a little fun at the Obama Campaign yesterday, I'll return the favor to Clinton. It's a little lost in translation, but hey.

Insanity 101

2008-03-25T12:01:00.002-04:00

I'm not a die-hard politico, but living in the Last Colony on Earth, you kind of have to pay attention to politics, elections and other fun stuff that gets debated ad nauseum at bars, restaurants, gyms, metro and pretty much everywhere. Side note: It does amuse me that the residents of DC feel entitled to have an opinion about everything...seriously, if you work in Childhood Education, I don't think you're quite up to par on labor issues, the environment, or military policy. You won't find me wonking out on SE Asian trade or immigration concerns, I don't know enough.

That being said, I'm a Hillary supporter. I'm not a fanitical about it, and to be quite honest I'll support Obama if he wins the nomination. HOWEVER, I support Hill for three reasons. First, I came to DC to work for the second half of the Bill Administration in the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and to be honest I have some nostalgia from that era. It was a good economy, peaceful times, and the Clintons can throw a party like nobody so DC was generally more social and a fun place to be, i.e. Clintons invite celebrity supporter X to the White House and then celebrity supporter has a fundraiser/event with his or her pet charity where people get dolled up for a cocktail party or dinner and then go out and about after and support the economy. The life got sucked out of DC the minute W and La-la took up residence.

Second, I know Hillary (and Bill) and what issues are likely to be thrown at her during a White House Tenure. Yes people say she's ruthless, a b*tch, a sell-out etc. Honestly though, I don't get the same sense from Obama. I have this underlying feeling that I don't know anything about the man. It's a gut feeling, but it's still there.

Finally, I want to wake up some random Sunday morning and see Hillary in a nice matchy-matchy pink cardigan and pantsuit combo and deliver her first major foreign policy crisis speach. Every President has one, it's the "My fellow Americans, this morning at approximately 3:17 am eastern times, I directed to United States military to bomb the crap out of whomever with the full cooperation of blah blah blah." Seriously, I think it would be quite divine to listen to a woman deliver this with calculated coldness. Yeah it might never happen, but still a homo can dream.

My point of all of this is more a rant about the frantic Obama supporters (particularly the young queerlings I've recently encounter). Ya see I'm a glorified number cruncher/research geek and for weeks I've been hearing from Obama-ites that if Clinton should get the nomination, they are going to revolt. He's ahead in the pledged delegate count, the popular vote and the Democratic Convention can't go against the will of the people. To that end I present to you a History Lesson:

As of today, March 25, 2008 Obama leads Hillary, 13,752,601 to 13,432,077 in actual votes cast (for brevity I inclued Florida and Michigan, using real numbers for FL, but attributing all non-Hillary votes to Obama in MI). That's a whopping 50.59% Obama to 49.41% Clinton. Less than one percent is not what I would call an overwhelming will of the people.

Now before y'all get your panties in a wad, here are the numbers sans Florida and Michigan. Obama 12,917,874 (51.33%) Clinton 12,246,718 (48.67%). Ok, I've excluded other candidates from this percentage, but since the argument with the Obama-ites is the will of the voters, and those total votes for other candidates are likely to statistically affect the outcomes, I think I'm justified.

Moving on, according to the New York Times a record 4,044,952 individuals have registered as Dems in Pennsylvania. Assuming a conservative 55% voter turnout in a month, 2,224,724 votes may be cast (I personally think it will be larger). Given current polling trends (RCN averages Clinton is leading 53% to Obama's 36%), a projected outcome after Pennsylvania votes would be Obama leading Hillary in real votes 50.54% to 49.46%. That's less than one percent kids.

All of this is to say, the will of the American voter cannot be claimed by either party. Hence the Democrats are lucky that the superdelegate system is in place. I've already stated that I plan on supporting the Democratic nominee, be it He or She. The thought of overbotoxed Cindy McMaveric as the first lady, not to mention her Husband in the White Crib makes my homo-sensible hair hurt. I'm just saying.

But in all respect and fun, I do have to share this.

Hotness

2008-03-21T11:58:00.003-04:00

I have to admit, my love of this man knows no end. The Sox have arrived in Tokyo, don't think I won't be watching the game at six am. I've seriously been going through withdrawal.

Update: It was a sloppy, sloppy game, that made me cringe more than once, but in 10 innngs, the Sox managed to edge out the A's 6-5. Unfortunately with the amount of coffee I had to suck down and the unsightly performances, I have a new ulcer.

Mental Health

2008-03-21T09:55:00.002-04:00

Psychic and Emotional Starvation. Yes I plucked the title of this blog from a quote by Cherrie Moraga where she states, "when you are not physically starving, you have the luxury to realize psychic and emotional starvation."

This is by no means to say that I suffer from either of these, but on occaision I do. I strongly believe that while I live in one of the most educated cities in nation, I am quite frequently forced to participate in vapid conversations. Seriously, I could care less about Rock of Love II or American Idol Season to the nth degree. I eat books, fiction, non-fiction, social policy. I frequently go to the Kennedy Center for performances. I like baseball, soccer, and rugby. I coach a futures program for young girls interested in playing field hockey. I play the bassoon. I like beer and whiskey. I love to cook. I speak Dutch, French and Hebrew. In short, I'm a mess of a train wreck that's all over the map, but I have my sh*t together.

Emotional starvation comes in at times when I simply want to go on a date and have a decent conversation. Of course we have to get back to the fact that homos in DC don't date, they either propose buttsex or marriage after half a cup of decaf. Not that I'm a prude, but isn't it ok to get to know someone and enjoy the process without expectations. I guess I'm venting, but I've come to a place in my life where I know that I don't like everyone that I meet, and I don't expect everyone to like me, that being said, I've unloaded a lot of the psychic crap and think it would be nice to meet someone who's willing to go along for the ride (and can keep up) and simply get to know each other.

Do you guys ever feel that way? Can we just cut the crap and enjoy each others' company? Seriously, if dating is going to be a competition or performance and I can't let my guard down, then I'm afraid I'm destined to suffer that emotional starvation.

Girl Crush

2008-03-20T10:37:00.005-04:00

So, from time to time, I have to admit, even as a self-avowed homo, I develop girl crushes. Girl crushes, as in real females. I know, it's just one of those things, but usually my crushes are on strong willed, somewhat androgenous ladies that have some form of talent. For the longest time I had a girl crush on Winona Rider, with her short pixie-esque hair and choices in dramatic roles. All I can say about it now is that everyone just needs to let Winona shop.

I do, however, have a serious girl crush on these two beauties. First of all, who couldn't be attacted to six foot tall identical twins? Maybe it's my inner lesbian, but I think tall women, in general, are hot. It could be due to the fact that I'm 6'3" and its easier to have a conversation eye-to-eye but somewhat I doubt it. What really makes me hot for the Watson Twins, is there music. Now my music taste run the gamut of the spectrum as I've been known to take in a a full symphonie, go to one of those tragic 90's era rock festivles and even jazz in a smoke filled bar, but I tend to trend towards indy-rock for my personal collections.

I first learned of the Watson Twins when they teamed-up with Jenny Lewis of Rilo Kiley to provide backups for Jenny's solo album Rabbit Fur Coat. Noting the amazing harmonies, I had to check out who theses gals are and discovered Leigh and Chandra Watson. Of course the fact that they hail from Louisville, a city that I have a great fondness for due to many trips while getting the grads school credentials at U.K. Thus, here I am faced with some amazin music, made by two, six-foot tall identical twins that are a product of Louisville. Seriously how could I not develop a girl crush.

Update I've attempted numerous times to post a MP3 for your aural pleasure, but evidentily I'm suffering from a technology-based retard momment. If ya do like good music, the Watson Twins have a couple of their songs on their Web site, try em out.

Score

2008-03-19T16:01:00.007-04:00

Sweet Baby Jesus, thank you!

So for the fourth season in a row, I've managed to score opening day tickets to the Nats. I have to say this year was particularly difficult, owing to the fact that DC's team of misfit toys managed to sell out the new stadium (pic above) in 6 whole minutes and I made the decision early not to renew my season tix.

That being said, I had to use some of my old school connections from when I was a lowly non-profit worker and had to sling booze on the side to get extra cash. Alas, I called up one of our old distributors and inquired if they had any opening day tickets...they usually buy season ticket packages to reward good customers. Long and short I may have to offer up some buttsex or a blowjob, but I gots me eight tickets to the Braves vs. Nats game on Sunday the 30th, and in lower bowl, first baseline!

I know of five individuals that will claim seats so I may have two available for anybody out there. Can't wait, it's been a long dreary winter.

Tuesday's Trash

2008-03-18T14:04:00.001-04:00

Attention E-bay users: If you are going to sell something reflective online, please dress before you take the photo!

Fashion

2008-03-17T12:50:00.000-04:00

My hatred of popped collars is almost as deep as that of the Yankees. I proudly wear a t-shirt proclaiming my hatred, especaily at fun events like Pride. To prove this point the local gang of friends who also hate the popped collar have an on-going Popped-Collar Scavenger Hunt. Essentially, when anybody sees a popped collar, we snag a picture of the offender via cell phone or camera and share with the ensuing group. It is a great joy to me.

I have to say I wish I could have captured this image for the Hunt, but alas my friend G- just emailed it to me, but it the image above pretty much espouses my exact feelings of the popped collar.

A History Lesson

2008-03-17T11:14:00.002-04:00

Selkies are mythical beings in Irish, Faroese, Scottish and Icelandic tradition. They are sea creatures that live as seals but are able to transform to a human body by shedding their seal skins. They can revert to seal from by putting their selkie skin back on, and can only make contact with one particular human for a short amount of time before they have to return to the sea. If a selkie does make contact with a human, they are not able to make contact with that human again for seven years time. Known for their stunning beauty as humans with the dark eyes and hair of their seal lives, selkie contact is considered both great luck, but also a curse, because no other human being will appear as attractive.

Legend holds that a fisherman from County Donegal captured a selkie, by stealing her skin while she was sunbathing, binding her to him. Fiona, the selkie returned to his home, becoming his bride and bearing the fisherman several children. To comfort her children, she had her husband fashion a cradle could be floated on the seas, their half-selkie nature demanding the constant motion of the waves and the spray of salt air. Fiona decorated the children’s cradle with shells and lined it with dried seaweed to make a comfortable nest and allowed the babes to float on the waves as she went about her daily chores. And while Fiona honored here bonds to her husband, she longed for her life at sea and her freedom.

As Fiona reared here babes and they grew in size and number, many of the local villagers gossiped over their nature. The children were unlike anyone in the small village and not knowing that Fiona was a selkie, they pondered where their traits came from. All the time, Fiona’s eyes looking constantly toward the North Sea and to her home. Many years later, the oldest of the children, Eamon asked Fiona why his father kept such a fine dark leather coat hidden away in the eaves of their home; surely it would make a handsome overcoat against the chill of the north wind.

Fiona took only slight notice, but continued to bind rope that would be used to repair the fisherman’s nets. Slightly humming an old sea song, she completed her chores and made her way back to the comfortable home that the fisherman had built for her, noticing the whitewashed walls and thatched eaves and the glorious green that bathed the hills as the sun set. She prepared a humble stew of seaweed, kale, and fish, and tended to her husband and his brood, tucking each one to bed and bestowing a kiss.

The next morn, the leather skin was gone, as was Fiona.

Her children grew, and the fisherman lamented his loss for Fiona was truly stunning. But through her brief period of time with the fisherman, Fiona had seven children, all of them with dark hair and dark eyes, the traits of the selkie. And thus we know the story of how the Dark Irish came to be and why we blonds and blues find them so damn hot.

Slainte

2008-03-14T14:38:00.003-04:00

Every March I tend to go into multiple personality disoder. I blame my parents. You see while growing up in a fairly liberal household in the great state of North Carolina, I am still a product of my upbringing. In fact, for those Southern Baptists/Talibangelicals out there, I'm a three for one conversion special. We've already touched on the homo side, but it's my liberalish parents that really screwed me up, especially in March.

Why you ask? Well my overeducated mom and pops formed a unique marriage, the sis and I are half-breeds. Mom's from Dutch-Jewish descent and my Dad's Irish Catholic. While technically, according to Jewish tradition, I'm a Jew having emerged at that point with a lot less guilt from my mom, I grew up attending both Hebrew School and going to Mass. Temple on Friday nights, Mass on Sunday Morning, it's really confusing, not to mention that my well meaning parental unit thought that I should have First Communion and a Bar Mitzvah. Don't even bring up the guilt. My sis and I joke that we have enough guilt to start our own religion.

But what really gets me is that in my love of all things beer and whiskey, the Irish side wins out. Hence I love to celebrate me some Saint Patrick's Day. Of course any good Irish Catholic is going to celebrate St. Pat's but the kicker is that then I'm expected to celebrate Easter, which throws everything into flux in a few weeks when I get invited to Seder for Passover. It's just too much sometimes. Honestly, I tend to pick and choose, I like Christmas for the Presents, but Passover is a great time especially with my DC tribe of lost wandering Jews who throw a fabulous Seder with approximately 4 bottles of wine per participant. Seriously, I'm begininning to wonder if I should explore rehab.

Anywho, in celebration of the upcomging debauchery, I give to you one of Ireland's finest. Slainte! And if ya see me out and about on Monday, don't lift up the kilt, but feel free to share a pint and a shot!

Pray for me Chillrens

2008-03-12T11:12:00.003-04:00

Ok, so I'm a social worker, well not technically but by training; however, for the past 10 years or so I've been more of a social issues researcher or in DC talk a policy wonk. After spending a chunk of time in the Healthcare Field I recenly made a jump to labor issues. Ok so I sold out and am workin for "the man" but living in DC is costly and non-profits can suck the life out of ya. Anywho, the new job is sending me out into the field for a little bit of research.

Now when I say I need y'all to pray for me, I mean it. First of all I have to get out my passport and head to the Dirty Vag. Granted its only to go to National Airport (I refuse to use the proper name, that guy has enough named after him anyway). But from the Dirty Vag, I head south to Trampa Bay. It's bad enough that they are schleping me off to Florida, but I mean come on, can't I get some love and not be on the gulf coast. It's enough to make this homo throw up a little bit in my mouth. Seriously!

However, what I really need those thoughtful prayers for is the fact that I'm going to a Law Enforcement Conference. Woot! Imagine, me (token homo) with a buch of cops stuck on an offshore island in St. Pete's Beach. It's enough to make my nether regions tremble with glee! Don't think I won't be engaging in some serious research and discovery! Well that's it for now, but I still need those prayers, I do.

Medication Y'all

2008-03-11T14:27:00.004-04:00

So I'm sure that I'm late to the game in making an observation about the recent reports of prescription drugs in metropolitan areas' drinking water. Now I've been pondering this for years when reports first surfaced that fish in the Patomac River were spontaneously switching genders generally refered to as anova. My thoughts were that due to the large number of single women in the DC metropolitan area, we probably had high rates of estrogen and progesterone entering the water supply due to women using birth control. Just a theory but hey, there it is.

What I'm more curious about now is the fact that in the DC area they found trace amounts of naproxen and a few antibiotics-alas no female hormones. Alas, my previous theory my be out, but I'm workin on a new one. As anyone who lives in DC or has ever visited our fair colony and maintains a half-brain (ok those people from blue states) Washingtonians largely use Metro to trek to and from work. It's largely a pain in the bum, with trains routinely suffering from delays, severe overcrowding during rush hour and the surliness of early morning sans caffine. Fortunately, I have decided that if I'm gonna be subjected to riding metro, I'm gonna drink me some DC tap water every day. You guessed it, free painkillers and antibiotics, something I definitly need when crammed in like sardines with a couple hundered commuters.

Springtime in the Last Colony on Earth

2008-03-10T12:25:00.000-04:00

So, after the harsh reality of daylight saving time way too early, it is with baited breath and somewhat impending doom that I always find myself preparing for spring in DC. You see, after having my Sunday Evening dinner in full sunlight and daffodils and other early spring flowers. This means that warmer weather and short sleeves/shorts will soon be back and I like em.

It also means tourists. I loathe, no Loathe, no LOATHE tourist groups that descend upon DC when this commences. It is the onset of every high school group schlepping to DC and disrupting my normal routine. It means that the metro will be crowded at 8 am when groups of pimply faced brats will all be trying to force their way onto one car to "keep together" thereby causing the rest of us who use metro for work to endure over-crowded trains and teeny-pop star banter/you're a fag jokes. It also means tour busses from hell clogging the streets, stoping intermittently to unload countless children who will gawk at us DC folk and bitch about prices for food. Finally the children will over-run the mall and assorted monuments. I swear last year my family came to town and we stopped by the FDR monument my mother declared, "I'm glad that I reared you kids right and you know how to act. I'd beat any one of these children if they were mine." This all happened because all the kids were sitting on FDR's lap in his wheel chair to have their picture taken preventing anyone else from getting close enough to see the statue. NOT COOL.

So accordingly, here's an addition to an ongoing segment here at Psychic and Emmotional Starvation Scott's Little Book of Rules for Making the World a Better Place and Smoother Ride.

1) When bringing smart-alec kids from states that I normally fly over to DC, please ensure that you have enough chaperones to split up in multiple groups, taking multiple metro cars to your destination. If you all have to shove onto my car, you're going to annoy me and I'll be forced to retaliate physically or verbally and if I haven't had my morning cuppa this scorpion's tongue is vicious.

2) Know how to act. This is the Nation's Capital, and while you can act a fool in your home state, all kinds of business goes on here, both national and international so don't screw up something for someone else. Also, be mindful that people work and live here, no shrieking, no blocking up the crosswalks, and for the love of G-d, stand on the right, walk on the left.

3) While I was once a high school student and I appreciate a well placed insult, don't use ethinic slurs or homophobic comments with your classmates. Chances are DC resident within five feet is one of those things and we're fiesty and may just call you out on it.

4) DC is expensive, we all know it and while I scoff at paying more that $4.5o for a lite beer and $2.15 for coffee, I do it. You don't have to announce how expensive everything is, just pay for it and shut up.

5) For those children who are the brainiacs/GT/AG/Honor Role/National Honor Society or any other version of geek/nerd, we DO NOT need to hear your pontifications about Robert's Rules of Order, the histroy of the Viet Nam war or any other useless trivia that you hold concerning DC. First of all, most DC residents already know this, secondly you're only going to confirm your tool status with your fellow classmates. It's ok just to chill every now and again. For those who are cheerleaders, pay attention you can learn something without your hair hurting. If you're a jock, just there stand and look pretty and we'll leave you alone.

6) If you and your group are standing at 15th and K NW, please do not ask me how to find the Whyte Howsse, I'm more likely to direct you to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, SE, and trust me, you don't want to wind up on your way to Anacostia with that group of yours. Many a better DC resident has been found with deer in the headlights expressions by mistakenly heading to Anacostia.

7) When you are having your class picture on the steps of the Capitol with your Representative or Senator, get in place quickly, stand quietly and let the photographers do their jobs. Senators and Representatives are busy people and quite frankly, you can't vote yet so they're only being kind. You're also blocking traffic into the Capitol building where the rest of us do that business that you just may screw up by acting a fool.

8) Yes, Georgetown has fabulous shops, but (and especially for you chicks) DC residents tend to have higher earning power than your daddy's credit card. Thus, when mobbing a particular shop, please allow those of us who are there to spend money actually do so.

9) Remember, this is the Nation's Capital, and as such, the people who live here had the brilliance and foresight to leave where you came from. That being said, we still know people we grew up with such as your mom, dad, teacher, older sibling and high school principal. You don't want to be the reason that your school (and the sophomores and frosh under you) never gets to come back to DC. But trust me, it's no more than a simple phone call back home and all your shenanigans will be made public and the kids under you will resent the fact that next year they get to hang out in Bismark or Frankfort or Harrisonburg a few hours away from home. State capitals just aren't that exciting.

So here are my rules. Please abide by them.

Sincerely,

The Washington DC Welcoming Committee

Popped

2008-03-10T11:23:00.000-04:00

I used to have another Blog, I got bored with it, but still have things to say. Here's to new beginnings.